Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
