It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
