I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
