In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just gift wrapped bread.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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