Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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