I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
