I think I died a long time ago.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
