I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
