Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
