I got chris browned last night
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
