she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
