So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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