shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
