this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
