I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
