Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
