i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
