Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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