I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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