I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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