I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
