Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
