Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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