So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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