They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
