I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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