youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
