I'm really into asian looking animals
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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