wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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