Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
