maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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