after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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