Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
