dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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