One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
