Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
