And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
