Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Randomize
