I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
