my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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