Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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