I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
