quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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