I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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