My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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