not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
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Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT