remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...