I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.