Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit