if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems