Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels