I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
