Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
