there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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