Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My balls are so social today.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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