You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i love accidental penises.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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