this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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