last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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