Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
