I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
