Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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